Overcoming Perfectionism: Creating Space for Influence
Allison LoPilato, PhD
I confess, I am a perfectionist who regularly practices unproductive perfectionism. Here’s how it manifests itself in my writing. I have a well ingrained habit of holding on to my drafts until they are 95% done and close to the deadline. As a result, I engage in near pathological levels of perservation—easily spending 3 hours rewriting a single paragraph. I spend days going down thePubMed rabbit hole, convinced I need to read every article on the subject before I can write.
This habit has been highly reinforced over the years. In graduate school, drafts of papers, theses, and my dissertation came back with virtually no changes and a “Wow, looks ready to go!”. The truth is, what I presented as my “1st draft” was more like my 10th. I had a reputation for being a good writer and worried that an unpolished draft might tarnish my image. So,while I knew this writing habit was dysfunctional, it was hard to quit.
If spending too much of my precious time was the only consequence, I probably wouldn’t have had enough motivation to change. I teach my patients that behavioral change requires 3 things: awareness, capability, and willingness. I was acutely aware this was a problem and was certainly capable of doing things differently. But I wasn’t willing to change. The fear of showing others the earlier versions of my work stopped me from following all the advice outlined in the academic writing books and blogs I frantically consumed. My process was miserable, but it was mine.
Then, while writing my K grant application, I had an epiphany. Out of sheer necessity, and part desperation, I had to share my ‘in progress’ workearly on and regularly. Although I was aware that my habit wasted a lot of time and created personal suffering, I hadn’t fully appreciated how much it was actually limiting the quality of my work.
By holding back drafts I missed opportunities for early feedback that could reshape my ideas while they were still developing. I missed the chance to incorporate other perspectives that I hadn’t thought of myself. I missed the clarity and reframing that comes from someone who’s not in the weeds or in the discipline. And by waiting to share drafts so close to a deadline, everything seemed set and there wasn’t a real invitation to influence and improve.
Once I became brave enough to take early feedback, I also realized the value of sharing with a diverse audience. While I primarily circulated my work with my mentor or fellow lab mates, I rarely had people outside of my bubble . This narrow focus similarly created more missed opportunities.
Sharing my true “in progress” drafts of my K application with a wider crew lead to work that was far stronger, clearer, and more compelling than I could have produced in the bubble.
The Non-Academic – I enlisted my youngerbrother, an MBA/MPA graduate student, who is a talented writer, thinker and communicator. After an initial read of my application materials, he simply replied “Geez, I hate how you academics write. This is so boring to read.” He was right. He quickly marked up my documents without any attention to the actual science. Instead, he focused bringing the story to life through the structure and organization. He wanted any reader to be easily ushered through the application. He stamped out all jargon, long sentences, and “pretentious”/unnecessary synonyms (ahem ‘elucidate’). His edits helped me develop a clearer narrative that provided a new framework for the rest of my application. The writing was cleaner and punchier, even though I secretly worried it felt less “academic”.
The Co-Mentor – I turned to one of my application co-mentor’s for additional feedback. He was honest and direct with me in ways no one had ever been.While this took an initial adjustment, it quickly made me regret all the ways I’d shielded myself from feedback to date. I was learning so much from his feedback and it was making the work substantially better. As an expert in the area, he was able to help me sharpen my scientific questions and hypothesis. He helped me correct my course when I’d gotten toobogged down in the weeds. And because I shared early (although admittedly, it could have been earlier), I had time to make these corrections. I also realized that mentors want to be given the chance to mentor. While I held back in the past fearing judgement, the process strengthened our professional relationship and the ability to collaborate that will be critical to our ongoing work together.
The Grant Writer – I reached out to a grant writer who’d graciously offered to look over my materials. Her initial email in response to a Specific Aims draft (that my mentors said looked done) read, “This needs work. I’m worried this is terribly specific.” As someone not familiar with our research, the work seemed abstract and lacked context. I’d made assumptions about what people may know or think is important based on my bubble (i.e., doesn’t everyone agree computational approaches are the way forward?). Her edits helped me broaden and contextualize my research to speak to a wider audience. Sometimes the suggestions she gave me were at direct odds with my mentor’s input, but having both allowed me to create a synthesis.
The Grad School Friend – I also turned to mytrusted friend from graduate school, a talented and prolific researcher. While she didn’t know my area of research, she was in the field, which provided a sweet spot. As a knowledgeable (but not expert)reader, she aptly highlighted were ideas needed to be restated more clearly, and where certainconnections in the rationale were missing for someone unfamiliar with the literature. Her edits weren’t extensive, but they were so well focused in key places that they helped bring everything together.
I’m proud of the application I ultimately submitted. It wouldn’t have been as strong without the feedback from these key players at a time when I could act on their input. Even if I don’t get the grant, the process created the motivation to push past the fears that fueled my perfectionistic tendencies. It’s given me the willingness I needed to make real change and to create space for influence by sharing my writing early, often, and with a diverse audience.
